Tobermory

        Tobermory

                   [A piece of fiction that is a spin on Saki's short story by the same name.]

As I stood arranging bottles for the Wine Tasting that night, I hadn’t the slightest idea that most of them would remain untasted.

It was a night like any other night in the mansion, a party like any other party. Full of heaps of food and drink, glittering attire and ugly talk (attired in glittery words). Perhaps a few nice leftovers for us... 

“You, over there! Fasten up!” Lady Blemley’s shrill voice cut into my thoughts. “The first of the guests would be arriving anytime!”

“Yes, madam,” I responded automatically. My side of the conversation was restricted only to these two words. She strode off, ordering about, fluffing up the pillows on the loungers, acting as if she were actually contributing. 

Dusk had set in. The pool looked more beautiful by the minute. In twos and threes the guests arrived. They oohed and aahed over the wines.

The Lord and Mr. Appin were engaged in a deep conversation about the kinds of wine they had tasted. To me it appeared each found a reason to name more and more countries they had travelled, some of whose names I had never heard. 

“And dear me, what exquisite wines the South Americans have!” Mr. Appin boasted, I brought quite a collection from there.”

“America, pooh!” interjected the Lord. “The only thing I liked in any of the Americas was Tobermory.”

“Tobermory the community or Tobermory the whiskey?”

“Tobermory the cat. That too turned out to be a waste of space.”

Do these people have any love, any loyalty? The cat was a pretty alright creature. I  felt a kinship with him... both planted in a foreign country, both feeding on leftovers and random mercies...

I kept coming and going, replacing dirty glasses, cleaning the tray every time before serving again. I caught snippets of conversation here and there.

“Wine isn’t my thing. Got Scotch?” said the only young member in the gathering.

As I went round I heard “tch, tch” at Diane’s unladylike taste. 

“Mother, it’s a p-a-r-t-y,” Diane rolled her thickly made-up eyes. Her expensive sandals sent off sparkles as her leg shook impatiently. She had as many streaks in her hair as the piercings in her ear.

It happened when I was cleaning a bit of spilt wine next to where the ladies were seated.

Lady Madeleine gave the wine a quick swirl around the glass to check its legs. “This has to be a good one.” Then another swirl after which she inhaled it. At this stage she made a face. “Apparently not.”

Lady Blemley’s raw anger was quickly masked by her etiquette. “How about you try this one? I first had it when...”

There was a guffaw. “Oh yes, did you?”

Everyone looked around. I kept my eyes lowered, but I was curious too. 

The guffaw came again, coming from the tree-lined avenue that started at the other side of the pool.

“Then I have tried a French seven-course meal today. Should I fart to prove it?”

Lady Blemley looked about, scared. There was an unnatural silence, broken by hushed whispers.

“M’lady, why don’t you speak? Cats got your tongue, huh?” The cat, Tobermury, appeared from nowhere. 

“My, my!” One of the ladies exclaimed. 

Mr. Appin took command. “Now, dear Lady, have some water. Do not be afraid. I have seen some exotic cats that speak in human tongue...”

“Pssst! Haha!” Tobermory laughed openly. Mr. Appin was not used to being mocked at and didn’t know how to react. “And some fine collection you must have. If I’m correct, in one of the parties your wife mentioned that all you two have left to explore is America.”

Mrs. Appin looked at the cat in open-mouthed wonder.

“I’m sorry the cat’s out of the bag, madam,” said Tobermory, not appearing the least bit sorry. “Just wanted to inject some fun! Today there hasn’t been any gossiping here... and whom would you gossip about, for all are present today!”

The Lord purred to Tobermory, “Now, Tobey, be a good fellow. Let’s not do the eavesdropping and the telling on others, alright?” Then he turned to others, seizing this opportunity. “You know, I always knew Tobermory had special gifts. All it required was nurturing, and...”

“Nurture! The word doesn’t suit your tongue!”  Tobermory lashed out.

“Ahem, Mr. Tobermury,” began a small man with a huge paunch who had mostly been silent tonight, “You have no right to humiliate your owner like that. He has been so charitable to you... as to so many others...”

“Charity! That’s just a facade! He’s a fat cat, a few pounds here and there won’t lighten his wallet. Little cheques for large publicity. All he really wants to spend it on is his campaign! Charity, what a joke!” Tobermory paused for effect, enjoying the same vanity he despised in others. “The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.”

I must say quite a scene it was that unfolded this evening! Me, I served extra slowly so I could linger. 

“You!” said Lady, taking me by surprise. “Sheila, have we not been charitable towards you?”

“Erm... yes madam. Ofcourse. And I’m Mary. Sheila is the cook.”

“Ofcourse,” said the Lady dismissively. 

A slow drizzle made them all squeeze into a small canopy. 

The cat kept having his fun. “It would rain cats n dogs... purr-fect!” Noone laughed. “Too dumb to catch my cat-ch phrase. Or perhaps I’m a cat among the pigeons! Boy, language is amazing. You humans have been laughing at us for a long while.”

“That’s enough! Charles, get my gun!” the Lord thundered violently.

 “Oh, what did I do?” said the cat, all innocent-eyed. It’s not me, it’s the wine! I’m going a-w-a-y... Enjoy your party... when the cats away the mice will play!” He ran off toward the nearest tree.

 “Lousy leftovers and rancid milk,

Your food makes one sling the cat! 

The wooden box you call my home

doesn’t have room to swing the cat!”

He leapt on from one tree to the next with each couplet.

“Well go on and take my life,

You see, I will still have eight left!

Catch me if you think you can,

You’ll find I’m pretty deft!”

And just like that, leaping from tree to tree he left, and all that remained was the memory of his Cheshire-like grin.

                                 

                                                                         -Shubha Jaggi